I pretend to be deaf
Enikő, yesterday’s training day gave me again a lot. I made notes about topics which sensitively affected me in order to look at them later on.
On the train I confront myself with the first point, it was the following: how long do I want to pretend to be a deaf? Why don’t I want to hear? I asked myself: “Why I’m unwilling to see my values and acknowledge them?” I reached the point where I realized I had a strong fear, a fear of judgments of others, a fear of taking on myself, a fear of responsibility. These answers still came from the “surface”. Then I visualized a picture and I had a strong, deep feeling. The picture was: I cover my ears when I pee. (This picture came up because in the real life I often cover my ears during pissing.) The feeling was so deep that I noticed these two things are related but I haven’t seen yet how they connect to each other.
Then, when I was getting off the train and walking to my car, the thought came: “I couldn’t be enlightened if I didn’t pay attention to presumptions of outside world. That is the responsibility. Am I afraid of responsibility!?
Then, when I was driving home I asked the question again in the car: why couldn’t I hear? In reply a very deep feeling came and my tears flowed: you couldn’t hear because you couldn’t admit yourself; this is the reason why you played it. You didn’t dare.
The next morning I continued my meditation with my Higher Self: I believed I was not lovable, so it became my belief therefore I covered my ears, and I couldn’t hear of any good or loving words about me. Seeing my own lovability hurt me so I blocked it within myself this was the only way to survive. Why do I close it down and why does it hurt me so? These dead parts are inside of me, and these dead self-images closed my lights and I still live by them, I do believe this is my true self, because I get used to it and it burned into me. This is my inherited parenting pattern. It has no reality. This is not mine. My Higher Self showed me how I accepted the untruth. As I couldn’t live myself in the past I began to lie to myself and about myself which became so serious that I took on a non-existent evil before any good. I have to fulfill other’s request and the way of it: I ignore myself. I don’t exist. (I underlined it to make emphasis on it.)
I released and solved it on higher vibration level in meditation with the technic of Divine Self-Awareness: I looked at my 38,5 years from conception I had seen myself yearly and I let go of the golden sine from my wild-self into my pains, shadows and I transformed it into light.
When it became light and merged into “one,” I made myself aware that I had to place my transformed power and light along in the soul core in order to serve my Higher Self from that moment on. Then I took my mother and her mom and the ascending relatives in front of me, and I did the same with them.
The education of the Divine Self-Awareness has been started in Hungarian language,
if you are interested in English and would like to know more information about it,
please contact Andrea Gilian on the following phone number: +36- 30-183-2391.