Enikő, yesterday’s training day gave me again a lot. I made notes about topics which sensitively affected me in order to look at them later on.
On the train I confront myself with the first point, it was the following: how long do I want to pretend to be a deaf? Why don’t I want to hear? I asked myself: “Why I’m unwilling to see my values and acknowledge them?” I reached the point where I realized I had a strong fear, a fear of judgments of others, a fear of taking on myself, a fear of responsibility. These answers still came from the “surface”. Then I visualized a picture and I had a strong, deep feeling. The picture was: I cover my ears when I pee. (This picture came up because in the real life I often cover my ears during pissing.) The feeling was so deep that I noticed these two things are related but I haven’t seen yet how they connect to each other.
Then, when I was getting off the train and walking to my car, the thought came: “I couldn’t be enlightened if I didn’t pay attention to presumptions of outside world. That is the responsibility. Am I afraid of responsibility!?
Then, when I was driving home I asked the question again in the car: why couldn’t I hear? In reply a very deep feeling came and my tears flowed: you couldn’t hear because you couldn’t admit yourself; this is the reason why you played it. You didn’t dare.
The next morning I continued my meditation with my Higher Self: I believed I was not lovable, so it became my belief therefore I covered my ears, and I couldn’t hear of any good or loving words about me. Seeing my own lovability hurt me so I blocked it within myself this was the only way to survive. Why do I close it down and why does it hurt me so? These dead parts are inside of me, and these dead self-images closed my lights and I still live by them, I do believe this is my true self, because I get used to it and it burned into me. This is my inherited parenting pattern. It has no reality. This is not mine. My Higher Self showed me how I accepted the untruth. As I couldn’t live myself in the past I began to lie to myself and about myself which became so serious that I took on a non-existent evil before any good. I have to fulfill other’s request and the way of it: I ignore myself. I don’t exist. (I underlined it to make emphasis on it.)
I released and solved it on higher vibration level in meditation with the technic of Divine Self-Awareness: I looked at my 38.5 years from conception I had seen myself yearly and I let go of the golden sine from my wild-self into my pains, shadows and I transformed it into light.
When it became light and merged into “one,” I made myself aware that I had to place my transformed power and light along in the soul core in order to serve my Higher Self from that moment on. Then I took my mother and her mom and the ascending relatives in front of me, and I did the same with them.
