I am happy that I can write to you again. I would like to share yesterday’s meditation with you and the others. Reading the Stories on your website and your Blog still gives me a vast amount of strength and faith. After reading one of the stories my heart completely clenched and then it opened. I felt that I wasn’t doing what I was meant to: „This wasn’t my soul’s promise”. The realisation was staggering. This is why I am grateful for every story shared.
I didn’t dare meditating alone so I was only doing guided meditations and was listening to your talks. The reason for this is that once I was in the Magenta for at least an hour and I was letting go of all the pain, and when it didn’t transform into light and I felt really tired of the whole thing, I came back to the here and now. I didn’t realise that I was playing my „poor me” game. I should have realised the most important thing that only those things open up during alchemy that we can release and unblock with a certain skill set, what we are ready for with the feeling of forgiveness, acceptance and letting go. I got lost the games I have been playing, and the self-pity based on the ego’s survival programme. Well played!
The pain that was brought to the surface was still grim and I felt that I was sinking deeper and deeper. In the evening I spared some time to raise my vibration level. Then I realised what I should have when I was in my hell in the Magenta that my „poor me” was raving in me. I also realised I started releasing blocks at a low vibration level in an already weak state of mind. I have to pay attention to the state I start meditating as well as recognising those shadow-qualities and shadow-personalities that are „using” me in that moment. They ensure my survival but they are not my reality. This is exactly the reason why I go under and rave in the Magenta so that I release my blocks and not suffer anymore.
The following day the „deep shit” continued. I got into my car and drove to a place in nature that is dear to my heart with the aim of trying to raise my vibration level and to pull myself out of my deep sadness. Thank God I did. I managed to return home with leaving my sadness and burdens behind.
Two weeks later I called one of my groupmates of whom I knew she had had similar problems. Talking to her and sharing her experiences helped a great deal and gave me strength and faith. She also made me realise that when I was in that meditation I was tired and exhausted and I was meditating with the thought of and the will of my ego that „I have to meditate”.
I realised I didn’t give myself to my Higher Self and stayed on a low conscious level and I was controlled by my ego in the Magenta that I „have to, I want to” do this. I have to realise and I MUST be clear and aware that the feeling I am going into the Magenta with to work on myself are shadow-qualities and some of the many shadow-personalities with a „mind of their own” that have been living in me for many decades and I have to face them. I have to recognise who or what power takes away the fine voice of my soul and closes the possibility so that I can re-live the miracle of my Being, and that I can feel what a huge grace and privilege it is that experiencing enlightment in this lifetime is given to me.
Enikő, you once told me that I „desecrate Holiness”. At that time I didn’t know what you were talking about. Now I’m starting to understand. I know I don’t see as deeply inside me as I could, but I feel that I have built such a lie-maize around me and in me that only faith, unconditional faith in my Higher Self and complete surrender can release me. This realisation occurred when I was listening to one of your talks. I listen to your talks a lot and I feel that they are like an endlessly deep well that I can draw from for the rest of my life.
I have noted down and taken onboard many great advice from my groupmates that if I’m feeling down or I am exhausted then I raise my vibration level and ask my Higher Self to lift me to the highest point of my current skill level and just let it go and trust my Higher Self. It was wonderful to experience that it works.
My meditation:
One day I was putting my son to bed, he was very fidgety and just couldn’t settle until I joined the golden thread of the Sun and the indigo strand of the Magenta into my true-self, my soul. Then I entered into the Magenta and I asked my Higher Self to raise my vibration level according to my current skill level and I let myself be guided by It. I asked It to present the shadow-personality that doesn’t want me to get into my true-self and to connect with myself in the core of my soul. I was getting the feeling of attachment and fear of failure. As well as escape, rejection and rejection of my reality. It showed me that as long as I made a clear and unambiguous decision – to receive a true and clear answer to the question of „Who am I really?” I will reject to raise my vibration level, the confrontations, the honest answers – the pure connection will not happen.
I didn’t give up, I was adamant and kept on asking my Higher Self to hold my high vibration level. I also asked my Higher Self to unblock and release everything that I am not, all the acts, shadow-qualities and shadow-personalities that have been stuck to me.
I stood myself in front of myself: with a black blindfold, handcuffs around my ankles, waist and neck. Having cut off the blindfold I felt how the feeling of self-deception and lie left me. When I was concentrating on the handcuffs (I got self-deception and the feeling of „poor-me”) I took the keys (the symbol of universal love with its three aspects – forgiveness, acceptance and letting go) and removed the handcuffs off me.
Then happened the miracle:
A crystal clear diamond appeared in front of me – the symbol of universal love, the feeling of forgiveness, acceptance and letting go – that was coming towards me and it melted into the core of my soul. I felt and I lived my crystal clear Being, I became one with the diamond. Infinite happiness and joy permeated all of my cells. The diamond in me and its light all of a sudden started to scatter in every direction and then is spread into the people who appeared in front of me, that made me even more happy. I was spreading it with the feeling of gratitude, blessings to Enikő, to the Divine Self-Awareness and those groupmates who had helped me. Then we stood in a circle holding hands, the circle that the rays of the diamond touched was getting bigger. Then a sparkling light focused in the middle of the circle. Then I imagined my parents in front of me and I was spreading the light of the diamond towards them, first my father. I asked him to forgive me and I told him that I loved him. Then I gave him a hug. Then my father laid in front of me as if he had been sleeping, I put my right hand on top of his head and my left on his heart. Then I did the same thing with the mother. In the end I thanked my Higher Self that I could be a part of my own miracle and that I could indulge in my own Light. I thanked my ego that it let all of this happen with humility. I blessed myself and everyone and that is how I felt: blessed.
Dear Enikő. Gratitude, blessings and thank you for everything! With love: Kriszti
