At the weekend a lot of things had started to open up in me and a feeling of pain and helplessness took over. I managed to see what caused my helplessness but I couldn’t really do much with it. I had to realise that what caused confusion was that everyone could see my Light except for me. A sort of feeling of helplessness that has always been there but I could never really put my finger on it.
When I submerged in the fear-redeeming energy, the Magenta, I experienced the feeling of confusion. I felt that I was split in two, tearing my hair out and that I lost my mind because I could not see my Light. (Because I wanted to see what others did, but the more I wanted to see it the least I could.)
Having experienced this I recognised that there was a part of me that had resembled a dinosaurus, an anscient creature. Then my childhood appeared when my parents had told me that it was all right to receive a 3 grade (C grade), beause that was what I was capable of. They didn’t enrol me in English class, because I wasn’t talented enough to learn the language etc.
It really hurt that they didn’t believe in me, that I could do and achieve so much more. At least that’s what I felt and thought then. I identified myself with this image and I became a fossil, I built an armour around me. I was constantly tilting at windmills to prove something, when actually I identified myself with this proud animal-like energy, like a bullock that made me tough and numb, a fossil, and that I was stupid and not capable of anyting. Meanwhile I did not see what I had achieved, my values, because I identified myself with a bullock.
In this pain and grief I dug deeper into my worst nightmares and fears and asked myself. What is happening to me? What can’t I see? What does execute me? I want to know where I lie to myself. I want to be honest with myself. I don’t care what comes out, I just want to see the truth, my reality.
And then came the answer from within: I hated my life, I hated my Light. I was raging, I hated myself. Why did I have to be born? I did everything so that no one could see my Light, so that everyone could only see this bullock, because I could only survive everyting this way. I have been suffering, but at least this pain is a familiar feeling. A peculiar bearable form of pain. I hated the whole world and I was angry with God, because „He” could still love me the way I was. And I hated everyone who could see my Light.
I experienced all this madness and I vomited everything into the Magenta. And then I could really see how this bullock, that I have kept alive, worked and what it had done. It destroyed everything like a running herd. Many people have said this about me and I can just now see and feel what this is like.
Once I experienced this madness only then could I say that it was enough! Enough! I can now see and feel how this madness works, and I have realised that I was holding on to my constant suffering. I have had enough of suffering. I want to be who I really am. Once I said it was enough, alchemy, a transformation happened. I acknowledged the quality of Light that I received from the Father and Mother and I could really feel it within me. I think I’ve just stepped on the road of Self-awareness. I have just stepped on my path, but there is no path really, because I have entered into Nothing. Into wholeness, endless infinity, into reconciliation…
Only after such a meditation can I really see the lie I have lived in until now. This is only the beginning, I have seen these lies for the first time, because the power of faith has been released with which I can see the Truth.
I have also felt what responsibility is. My responsibility is: to recognise the Light within me and say Yes to it. To live every day with the power and knowledge of this Light. With this duty and service start. Thank you!
