A battle with Ego
At the weekend a lot of things had started to open up in me and a feeling of pain and helplessness took over. I managed to see what caused my helplessness but I couldn’t really do much with it. I had to realise that what caused confusion was that everyone could see my Light except for me. A sort of feeling of helplessness that has always been there but I could never really put my finger on it.
When I submerged in the fear-redeeming energy, the Magenta, I experienced the feeling of confusion. I felt that I was split in two, tearing my hair out and that I lost my mind because I could not see my Light. (Because I wanted to see what others did, but the more I wanted to see it the least I could.)
Having experienced this I recognised that there was a part of me that had resemled a dinosaurus, an anscient creature. Then my childhood appeared when my parents had told me that it was all right to receive a 3 grade (C grade), beause that was what I was capable of. They didn’t enrol me in English class, because I wasn’t talented enough to learn the language etc.
It really hurt that they didn’t believe in me, that I could do and achieve so much more. At least that’s what I felt and thought then. I identified myself with this image and I became a fossil, I built an armour around me. I was constantly tilting at windmills to prove something, when actually I identified myself with this proud animal-like energy, like a bullock that made me tough and numb, a fossil, and that I was stupid and not capable of anyting. Meanwhile I did not see what I had achieved, my values, because I identified myself with a bullock.
In this pain and grief I dug deeper into my worst nightmares and fears and asked myself. What is happening to me? What can’t I see? What does execute me? I want to know where I lie to myself. I want to be honest with myself. I don’t care what comes out, I just want to see the truth, my reality.
And then came the answer from within: I hated my life, I hated my Light. I was raging, I hated myself. Why did I have to be born? I did everything so that no one could see my Light, so that everyone could only see this bullock, because I could only survive everyting this way. I have been suffering, but at least this pain is a familiar feeling. A paculiar bearable form of pain. I hated the whole world and I was angry with God, because „He” could still love me the way I was. And I hated everyone who could see my Light.
I experienced all this madness and I vomited everything into the Magenta. And then I could really see how this bullock, that I have kept alive, worked and what it had done. It destroyed everything like a running herd. Many people have said this about me and I can just now see and feel what this is like.
Once I experienced this madness only then could I say that it was enough! Enough! I can now see and feel how this madness works, and I have realised that I was holding on to my constant suffering. I have had enough of suffering. I want to be who I really am. Once I said it was enough alchemy, a transformation happened. I acknowledged the quality of Light that I received from the Father and Mother and I could really feel it within me. I think I’ve just stepped on the road of Self-awareness. I have just stepped on my path, but there is no path really, because I have entered into Nothing. Into wholeness, endless infinity, into reconciliation….
Only after such a meditation can I really see the lie I have lived in until now. This is only the beginning, I have seen these lies for the first time, because the the power of faith has been released with which I can see the Truth.
I have also felt what responsibility is. My responsibility is: to recognise the Light within me and say Yes to it. To live every day with the power and knowledge of this Light. With this duty and service start. Thank you!
The education of the Divine Self-Awareness has been started in Hungarian language,
if you are interested in English and would like to know more information about it,
please contact Andrea Gilian on the following phone number: +36- 30-183-2391.